09-07-2011, 01:19 AM
Hi Peter,
I love basketball. I found the narrative engaging. I normally would go through the lines but I think I mostly have one suggestion. For the most part I felt this might work better as a prose poem set in paragraphs. It moves between prosey poem and prose with poetic elements. I'm leaning toward prosey poem. The dark fish/dragonfly sequence, the body playing out inner wisdom, and the asphalt glittering with diamonds of broken glass are excellent poetic images. I may come back to readdress them later, but for now my suggestion is to experiment with the structure perhaps abandoning the stanzas and line breaks.
Best,
Todd
I love basketball. I found the narrative engaging. I normally would go through the lines but I think I mostly have one suggestion. For the most part I felt this might work better as a prose poem set in paragraphs. It moves between prosey poem and prose with poetic elements. I'm leaning toward prosey poem. The dark fish/dragonfly sequence, the body playing out inner wisdom, and the asphalt glittering with diamonds of broken glass are excellent poetic images. I may come back to readdress them later, but for now my suggestion is to experiment with the structure perhaps abandoning the stanzas and line breaks.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson