09-06-2011, 08:59 AM
Regarding the revision:
L7: you've set a distinct rhythm. The I in this line breaks it. You may want to cut it.
L9: you end with an in and you begin line 10 with an in. It would be much stronger to eliminate one of them and make use of enjambment between the lines by allowing the lines to flow together.
Finally, you have a real staccato beat on the opening two lines of each strophe. Are you sure that gives you the tone you want? I would suggest reading it out loud and ask yourself if the rhythm supports the tone and content.
Best,
Todd
L7: you've set a distinct rhythm. The I in this line breaks it. You may want to cut it.
L9: you end with an in and you begin line 10 with an in. It would be much stronger to eliminate one of them and make use of enjambment between the lines by allowing the lines to flow together.
Finally, you have a real staccato beat on the opening two lines of each strophe. Are you sure that gives you the tone you want? I would suggest reading it out loud and ask yourself if the rhythm supports the tone and content.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson