09-06-2011, 08:59 AM
the whole 1st verse is a great image jack. specially the rusting doors.
three lines put in in the image, i loved it.
the 2nd also has a great image; it lends a feel that resonates with the 1st verse.
the 1st line of the 3rd feels preachy. L2, and L3 however are almost perfect.
is 'our' needed in L1, of the 4th verse?
on the penultimate line is 'our' and 'are' needed?
for me it's a an excellent poem. that would be even better with a small edit. jmo.
thanks for the read.
three lines put in in the image, i loved it.
the 2nd also has a great image; it lends a feel that resonates with the 1st verse.
the 1st line of the 3rd feels preachy. L2, and L3 however are almost perfect.
is 'our' needed in L1, of the 4th verse?
on the penultimate line is 'our' and 'are' needed?
for me it's a an excellent poem. that would be even better with a small edit. jmo.
thanks for the read.