Dark Obsession

[billy]

i copied and pasted the edit above the original, it makes it easier for the reader to compare

2nd Try

daughter of lust,
claiming me now,
shrouding my eyes in misery. the image works. though it is a little cliche

pressing me down,
soon I will fall,
'neath all the pain she gives to me.

yearning to touch, I 'I yearn to touch get's rid of a gerund, (ing word)
worship the taste, this new line works on more than one level
once more I long to hold her in.

in spirals she's drifting, off meter, would 'in spiral drifts,' help correct it or something similar?
skyward bravely,
so soon, she's gone from me again.

the edit feels better than the 1st one AA. with the new ist line it has a rock kind of feel with it and is much better than using the title there,

thanks for the edit (jmo.)