09-05-2011, 10:54 PM
First of all, thanks for all the input, you guys (and Leanne.) =-)
This poem comes from a much longer piece that I wrote. That I have failed to get my point across is evident. To address a few of the suggestions:
Billy: Now that you bring it to my attention, I'm noticing how hopelessly vague my poem became when I adapted it from the original. Thanks for the suggestion concerning imagery. I will definitely try a rewrite.
Heslopian: You were the first to bring up the her/it descrepancy. I can see you're point and I will certainly consider changing 'it.' <- hehe as far as the wording in the first verse, I hadn't considered the different tense there. Many thanks for speaking up.
Todd: Your post encapsulates the pleasant, helpful attitude of this forum. I'm a member of a couple of technical forums and being so accustomed to the constant 'newbie' hatred, I find this forum very refreshing. I will consider a new opening line (or perhaps a title change, but I think not)
Leanne: The warm welcome is appreciated, as was the compliment.
I think I see what you mean about the syntax and I'll give it a go.
Now a question: When browsing the forums, I kept running into suggestions that included syllable counting in reference to meter. In this piece I arbitrarily chose to use two, four syllable lines in conjunction with one eight syllable line. How hard are you laughing right now? I just wanted some structure (I am a songwriter if that explains anything) and don't know much about that sort of thing. Some of the comments would have me break that rhythm. Is that for the best?
Thanks for all the suggestions. I will try an edit soon and re-post.
This poem comes from a much longer piece that I wrote. That I have failed to get my point across is evident. To address a few of the suggestions:
Billy: Now that you bring it to my attention, I'm noticing how hopelessly vague my poem became when I adapted it from the original. Thanks for the suggestion concerning imagery. I will definitely try a rewrite.
Heslopian: You were the first to bring up the her/it descrepancy. I can see you're point and I will certainly consider changing 'it.' <- hehe as far as the wording in the first verse, I hadn't considered the different tense there. Many thanks for speaking up.
Todd: Your post encapsulates the pleasant, helpful attitude of this forum. I'm a member of a couple of technical forums and being so accustomed to the constant 'newbie' hatred, I find this forum very refreshing. I will consider a new opening line (or perhaps a title change, but I think not)
Leanne: The warm welcome is appreciated, as was the compliment.
I think I see what you mean about the syntax and I'll give it a go.Now a question: When browsing the forums, I kept running into suggestions that included syllable counting in reference to meter. In this piece I arbitrarily chose to use two, four syllable lines in conjunction with one eight syllable line. How hard are you laughing right now?
I just wanted some structure (I am a songwriter if that explains anything) and don't know much about that sort of thing. Some of the comments would have me break that rhythm. Is that for the best?Thanks for all the suggestions. I will try an edit soon and re-post.