09-05-2011, 08:43 AM
Hiya, welcome to the bear pit 
(I mean teddy bears, of course.) Love your nickname, by the way.
You have created quite a nice rhythm here and the mood is set well. You've already received some great tips from the gentlemen (and billy), but I have one more to offer you. In your third and fourth stanzas especially, you've mangled grammar a wee bit and you really don't need to (some would argue that you NEVER need to, even if you're trying to fit into a rhyme scheme).
(I mean teddy bears, of course.) Love your nickname, by the way.You have created quite a nice rhythm here and the mood is set well. You've already received some great tips from the gentlemen (and billy), but I have one more to offer you. In your third and fourth stanzas especially, you've mangled grammar a wee bit and you really don't need to (some would argue that you NEVER need to, even if you're trying to fit into a rhyme scheme).
(09-05-2011, 01:24 AM)AvariciousApathist Wrote: Her name I scream, -- I scream her nameI look forward to seeing what you make of this, it's a good start.
the touch I crave, -- I crave her touch (I agree that "her" is more atmospheric than "the")
once more I long to hold it in.
Spirals floating, -- no comma required
upward bravely, -- bravely upward
so soon, she's gone from me again.
It could be worse