02-14-2010, 09:19 AM
I love this. So pleasant and totally original, and it leaves me with a good feeling after reading. The closing lines are spot-on.
Right now, I can only see a few eensy details to change... I don't think you need the commas at the end of your lines. The line breaks already put the pauses for you. You mentioned that it feels rushed; I didn't think so, but if you really feel that way there's nothing stopping you adding another stanza after the fourth one describing how finally "eating"(figuratively, of course) and "enjoying the sunrise".
I might be able to think of more constructive critiques later as I re-read it a few more times, but I think this is wonderful. Thanks for posting this
Right now, I can only see a few eensy details to change... I don't think you need the commas at the end of your lines. The line breaks already put the pauses for you. You mentioned that it feels rushed; I didn't think so, but if you really feel that way there's nothing stopping you adding another stanza after the fourth one describing how finally "eating"(figuratively, of course) and "enjoying the sunrise".
I might be able to think of more constructive critiques later as I re-read it a few more times, but I think this is wonderful. Thanks for posting this
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?