08-30-2011, 01:04 AM
I had better prefix my comments by repeating that I am not a good critic, and tend always to be harsh.
So, well, yes. Let me divide what i have to say between content, and the way you have expressed it.
I gain the strong impression that whether or not the Nasty Swine could walk in your shoes, there is more wishful thinking in the striving to be in control. However, with such personal stuff, and the ins and outs of a relationship, it is rather foolish to make such guesses, and I shall therefore hurry on to carping about your style etc....
My sense is, that, new to this game, you have the idea that there should be plenty of rhyme, and so you have got it in. Whether it helps convey your feelings I am not sure, but to me it has a forced feel in a good many places--- but it may be, that it is not the rhyme, but the meter (or absence of it) which gives your poem a wonky feel.
I think, for what it is worth, that your feeling and desire to express it is strong enough. This could be a first draft, and go many ways: re-cast in some traditional meter, or free verse even, and the less I say, the better it will be. Remember you can enjoy 'getting it out' and then separately turning it into something you are really proud of, as a craftsman can cut a rough diamond, and then polish away, until it has some beautiful shape, like the old rose-cut. Good luck with that, and The Problem!
So, well, yes. Let me divide what i have to say between content, and the way you have expressed it.
I gain the strong impression that whether or not the Nasty Swine could walk in your shoes, there is more wishful thinking in the striving to be in control. However, with such personal stuff, and the ins and outs of a relationship, it is rather foolish to make such guesses, and I shall therefore hurry on to carping about your style etc....
My sense is, that, new to this game, you have the idea that there should be plenty of rhyme, and so you have got it in. Whether it helps convey your feelings I am not sure, but to me it has a forced feel in a good many places--- but it may be, that it is not the rhyme, but the meter (or absence of it) which gives your poem a wonky feel.
I think, for what it is worth, that your feeling and desire to express it is strong enough. This could be a first draft, and go many ways: re-cast in some traditional meter, or free verse even, and the less I say, the better it will be. Remember you can enjoy 'getting it out' and then separately turning it into something you are really proud of, as a craftsman can cut a rough diamond, and then polish away, until it has some beautiful shape, like the old rose-cut. Good luck with that, and The Problem!