08-24-2011, 05:56 AM
Aish, I like the new lines. The breaks look good. Let me make one suggestion though.
crisp glass snaps, shivers
through the November night.
If you end the line on shivers instead of snaps you get to have it play off of november night the cold real and metaphorical, and be the vibration of the breaking glass. Snaps works a little in this regard because of the idea of a cold snap but I think shivers is a bit stronger (imo).
Overall, I think adding more breaking glass elements and the tinkling murmurs are good touches. I like your God line as you have it. I toyed with moving of God down a line but the impact of the line is on burning the soul of God and the echo that implies people which that break would supply doesn't add much and I think weakens what you have already. It's a good edit.
Best,
Todd
crisp glass snaps, shivers
through the November night.
If you end the line on shivers instead of snaps you get to have it play off of november night the cold real and metaphorical, and be the vibration of the breaking glass. Snaps works a little in this regard because of the idea of a cold snap but I think shivers is a bit stronger (imo).
Overall, I think adding more breaking glass elements and the tinkling murmurs are good touches. I like your God line as you have it. I toyed with moving of God down a line but the impact of the line is on burning the soul of God and the echo that implies people which that break would supply doesn't add much and I think weakens what you have already. It's a good edit.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson