08-17-2011, 01:59 AM
Hi Fee,
Welcome to the forums! Glad to see you posting. You have an interesting style, which is very unlike mine, so hopefully I can give you some comments that you'll find helpful.
What works in this piece is the language choice and the tone. It feels like a future culture looking back on an archeological dig or as if the reader is looking into a biosphere. When I consider the piece in its totality I wonder if it would work better recast as a prose poem without linebreaks set in paragraphs. I'm not sure it the lines as they are layed out are buying you anything. Let's go through the lines now.
Willingly, let me take you into a marital institution where man takes a woman and woman takes a man
Now, when you consider your opening we need to keep willingly because you use it at the end in a slighly different way. Although, I do think it's the willingly at the end that matters. The two as they stand simply give the poem some symmetry (which is good but not necessarily needed). I don't think you need, "let me take you" The very act of the poem removes the need for the lead in (imo). I do like the phrase marital institution as opposed to the more common institution of marriage the later feels like a rite the former makes me think of a mental institution or a prison. The man takes/woman takes part kind of has a genesis feel of "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife..." If you removed the "let me take you" you could simply go with something like Willingly, (into a marital institution, or consider the marital institution, etc). I don't understand the significance of your title so I may be missing something. If the title is negotiable and you chose to go the non-prose or even non-longer line length method, you could rename the title "The Marital Institution" and then lead with:
Where man takes a woman and woman takes a man
There's an obsessive signifier at the front door sying wipe your dirt off before you enter
Obsessive signifier sort of fits the tone of the poem. It's a bit quirky but I can get behind the voice. I think you can kill the "your" before dirt. It doesn't seem necessary. I wonder if instead of front door you'd want to use the word Threshold as it fits with the marital institution. The admonition to be clean before coming together is interesting.
A media custom smile saying everything is fine and in control and an empty bottle of tranquilizers embarrassing the bathroom floor
Media custom smile feels like one too many modifiers. Also, to my ear they don't seem to be necessarily the right words is there a way you can expand on the image so you don't need to tell us that everything is fine and in control (at least the vaneer of control). I love the empty bottle of tranquilizers embarrassing the bathroom floor.
We enter the living room where everything is in it's masculine and feminine place
I don't know if you need to reinsert the We. Maybe simply In the living room... I do like these lines they are still segregated and seperate there is none of this "the two will be one flesh"
No sign of her mother's womb only an unconsciously designed grave
again this is where I would find this better put into paragraphes. i do like the content of the line though.
And the builders are laying the patio which the neighbours recommended
I'm really wondering what these lines add. There may be something crucial I'm missing but I'd likely cut them.
The music is switched on but long since ended
I think you need a "has" after but. This conveys a sense of the health of the relationship
In the kitchen she was cutting the veg leaving a trace of a place in time, then they were lovers on the run 20 seconds into the pan then translucently burnt
You can cut the "the" before veg. Do you need "in time"? I'm not sure if 20 wouldn't be better spelled out (more of a style thing than anything else). I like the entire idea of them being 20 seconds into the pan than translucently burnt. It's cool phrasing. I also wonder if the music line would be better suited coming after this line after them being burnt
She bought everything in his style, a kettle, a toaster, and four napkin ring holsters
Love these lines.
We sit chronologically around the table an A was for the intellectually disabled, but no one ever asked her what she thought
I like the chronologically sitting though I think A should be for something fitting with A like "an A was for Aphasia but no one ever asked for her opinion" This is a key line and you could get much more out of it
We ate without experiencing a profound gaze or a nourishing crumb and aware of the monodic tone we leave in polite time
I don't think you need experiencing. I like monodic tone. I think you could also cut the and and start a new sentence on Aware
Where man takes a woman and woman takes a man, willingly
The ending works well for me.
For the most part I would change up the structure to see what that does. Like I said, I'm thinking prose poem in paragraphs. It may not be the way, but in event I hope these thoughts will be helpful to you.
Best,
Todd
Welcome to the forums! Glad to see you posting. You have an interesting style, which is very unlike mine, so hopefully I can give you some comments that you'll find helpful.
What works in this piece is the language choice and the tone. It feels like a future culture looking back on an archeological dig or as if the reader is looking into a biosphere. When I consider the piece in its totality I wonder if it would work better recast as a prose poem without linebreaks set in paragraphs. I'm not sure it the lines as they are layed out are buying you anything. Let's go through the lines now.
Willingly, let me take you into a marital institution where man takes a woman and woman takes a man
Now, when you consider your opening we need to keep willingly because you use it at the end in a slighly different way. Although, I do think it's the willingly at the end that matters. The two as they stand simply give the poem some symmetry (which is good but not necessarily needed). I don't think you need, "let me take you" The very act of the poem removes the need for the lead in (imo). I do like the phrase marital institution as opposed to the more common institution of marriage the later feels like a rite the former makes me think of a mental institution or a prison. The man takes/woman takes part kind of has a genesis feel of "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife..." If you removed the "let me take you" you could simply go with something like Willingly, (into a marital institution, or consider the marital institution, etc). I don't understand the significance of your title so I may be missing something. If the title is negotiable and you chose to go the non-prose or even non-longer line length method, you could rename the title "The Marital Institution" and then lead with:
Where man takes a woman and woman takes a man
There's an obsessive signifier at the front door sying wipe your dirt off before you enter
Obsessive signifier sort of fits the tone of the poem. It's a bit quirky but I can get behind the voice. I think you can kill the "your" before dirt. It doesn't seem necessary. I wonder if instead of front door you'd want to use the word Threshold as it fits with the marital institution. The admonition to be clean before coming together is interesting.
A media custom smile saying everything is fine and in control and an empty bottle of tranquilizers embarrassing the bathroom floor
Media custom smile feels like one too many modifiers. Also, to my ear they don't seem to be necessarily the right words is there a way you can expand on the image so you don't need to tell us that everything is fine and in control (at least the vaneer of control). I love the empty bottle of tranquilizers embarrassing the bathroom floor.
We enter the living room where everything is in it's masculine and feminine place
I don't know if you need to reinsert the We. Maybe simply In the living room... I do like these lines they are still segregated and seperate there is none of this "the two will be one flesh"
No sign of her mother's womb only an unconsciously designed grave
again this is where I would find this better put into paragraphes. i do like the content of the line though.
And the builders are laying the patio which the neighbours recommended
I'm really wondering what these lines add. There may be something crucial I'm missing but I'd likely cut them.
The music is switched on but long since ended
I think you need a "has" after but. This conveys a sense of the health of the relationship
In the kitchen she was cutting the veg leaving a trace of a place in time, then they were lovers on the run 20 seconds into the pan then translucently burnt
You can cut the "the" before veg. Do you need "in time"? I'm not sure if 20 wouldn't be better spelled out (more of a style thing than anything else). I like the entire idea of them being 20 seconds into the pan than translucently burnt. It's cool phrasing. I also wonder if the music line would be better suited coming after this line after them being burnt
She bought everything in his style, a kettle, a toaster, and four napkin ring holsters
Love these lines.
We sit chronologically around the table an A was for the intellectually disabled, but no one ever asked her what she thought
I like the chronologically sitting though I think A should be for something fitting with A like "an A was for Aphasia but no one ever asked for her opinion" This is a key line and you could get much more out of it
We ate without experiencing a profound gaze or a nourishing crumb and aware of the monodic tone we leave in polite time
I don't think you need experiencing. I like monodic tone. I think you could also cut the and and start a new sentence on Aware
Where man takes a woman and woman takes a man, willingly
The ending works well for me.
For the most part I would change up the structure to see what that does. Like I said, I'm thinking prose poem in paragraphs. It may not be the way, but in event I hope these thoughts will be helpful to you.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson