08-08-2011, 09:50 AM
Figured I should post the revision on a new thread to avoid confusion
I have attempted with this revision to take advantage of what I consider great feedback on these forums.
I hope with the revision this poem is a bit less vague. I do not mind leaving much to the reader’s interpretation but wanted to be more clear on each character’s perception of the situation. I tried various substitutes for “conspiratorial” and could not find one that expressed any better what I was attempting to convey, not to mention, fit the meter I want. I admit I may still be off on this, as I often feel much of my poetry is the result of so much shooting in the dark anyway. You are free to say so and suggest further. I would like to get this one right. I appreciate all your thoughtful suggestions. I did try all suggestion but this is what I ultimately decided on...for now.
Sid
Eggshell Dance Revised:
She danced on eggshells at the edge
of veiled indifference, feigned exception
to his subtle lies and sophistry--
conspiratorial partners of deception,
masked in clever conversations.
She weighs the options, even while
he watches her and simply wonders
when she lost the enigmatic smile.
ICSoria
© 2011
Original Post:
This is one I wrote a few years back.
I always liked the first, last, and penultimate lines but was never sure how to properly reconcile the rest. I have come to respect the various perspectives on this forum. Therefore, any critiques, comments, suggestions, or assertions that it is total crap...will be carefully considered. Thank you.
Sid
Eggshell Dance
She danced on eggshells, on the edge;
accrued indifference, feigned exception
to the lies and sophistry--
conspiratorial partners of deception
masked in clever conversations.
She weighs the options, even while
he watches and discreetly wonders
when she lost the enigmatic smile.
ICSoria
© 2011
I have attempted with this revision to take advantage of what I consider great feedback on these forums.
I hope with the revision this poem is a bit less vague. I do not mind leaving much to the reader’s interpretation but wanted to be more clear on each character’s perception of the situation. I tried various substitutes for “conspiratorial” and could not find one that expressed any better what I was attempting to convey, not to mention, fit the meter I want. I admit I may still be off on this, as I often feel much of my poetry is the result of so much shooting in the dark anyway. You are free to say so and suggest further. I would like to get this one right. I appreciate all your thoughtful suggestions. I did try all suggestion but this is what I ultimately decided on...for now.
Sid
Eggshell Dance Revised:
She danced on eggshells at the edge
of veiled indifference, feigned exception
to his subtle lies and sophistry--
conspiratorial partners of deception,
masked in clever conversations.
She weighs the options, even while
he watches her and simply wonders
when she lost the enigmatic smile.
ICSoria
© 2011
Original Post:
This is one I wrote a few years back.
I always liked the first, last, and penultimate lines but was never sure how to properly reconcile the rest. I have come to respect the various perspectives on this forum. Therefore, any critiques, comments, suggestions, or assertions that it is total crap...will be carefully considered. Thank you.
Sid
Eggshell Dance
She danced on eggshells, on the edge;
accrued indifference, feigned exception
to the lies and sophistry--
conspiratorial partners of deception
masked in clever conversations.
She weighs the options, even while
he watches and discreetly wonders
when she lost the enigmatic smile.
ICSoria
© 2011