Outside Room 7 at the Merryman Motel (revision 3)

[ICSoria]

i really liked the first verse.
i also enjoyed the rest but not as part of the 1st verse. all the other verses
remind me of movies and cover ups but i can't put the thing together.
the vignettes seem connected but stand apart. the last verse is self contained.
and so is the 4th but somehow they feel disconnected...

I had looked at this earlier and hesitated to critique it because I was thinking along the same lines as Billy, but I thought it was only me.

I loved most of the first strophe; really liked the last, along with certain lines in between, but these didn't seem cohesive as a whole. The second through fourth strophes have enough good elements to stand alone as one or two good poems by themselves.

Sid