A Case of Subduing a Woman’s Body (revision)

[billy]

i'll give some feedback later on this Todd. i did notice the line;

must her body be subdued by the lash?

if i remember correctly she got a small fine and chose not to pay. which on the face of it, takes a lot of the poems strength away.
seeing as she's not the martyr as portrayed in the poem. a remedy would be to alter the title making it non specific.( the 'for Lubna al Hussein

' part) many women were lashed for wearing trousers as it impugned the males manhood.

for Lubna al Hussein



Must she peel back the starless night,

and wrap herself within its emptiness

with no pinprick of light allowed entrance. good allusion and image (i think)
i like this in relation to the crime of wearing pants instead of traditional female attire.


if the gazes linger,

if the fever shapes the shapeless,

if the eyes etch the form,

 for me the 'the's' weaken this verse

must her body be subdued by the lash? for me it would read better as 'they' instead of 'she' and with the other instances of she throughout the poem.

Can she be beaten back into obscurity

to pass silent in the sky,

a darkened moon without a voice?



if there is no tongue to speak,

no unmarked backs to ease this burden,

Then the offense against heaven is our own.
 (offence)for me, against heaven makes it to christian oriented)

And all voices are Awrah,

and all are naked. is and needed, i like the closing. just because our bodies are covered doesn't mean we're clothed.

i think it good poem that runs with the human right vein from top to bottom. i would ihave loved to have seen some darker, harsher imagery though. for me it was a good poem that has room to be improved. jmo

thanks for the read as always Todd.