08-05-2011, 10:37 AM
Thanks for the feedback and kind words.
If I removed both "the" and "are" the line wouldn't make grammatical sense. Try reading it as a self-contained prose sentence: "Places spoke about in books, lands of elves and lion gods, patched together from our own boring universe, a poor girl's dress stitched into being with carpet samples." You need "are" whether or not you have "the." So I'll delete the latter but keep the former. You could I suppose put an "is" before "a poor girl's dress" to make the sentence grammatically sound, but then you'd still have the same number of words as if you'd just deleted "the."
I'll also get rid of "like"; I agree that that comparison doesn't need the extra word to make it a simile.
If I removed "we as" the line I feel would become too clinical, like I was a zookeeper talking about the mating habits of the lemurs, and in keeping that tone consistent I'd also have to change "our" to "their." (That latter point is probably just me being neurotic.)
Regarding "thus," while I agree it isn't needed, I like how the word sounds, like I enjoy the sound of "nirvana." So I think I'll keep it purely for that reason. I will remove "really" from the last line though.
If I removed both "the" and "are" the line wouldn't make grammatical sense. Try reading it as a self-contained prose sentence: "Places spoke about in books, lands of elves and lion gods, patched together from our own boring universe, a poor girl's dress stitched into being with carpet samples." You need "are" whether or not you have "the." So I'll delete the latter but keep the former. You could I suppose put an "is" before "a poor girl's dress" to make the sentence grammatically sound, but then you'd still have the same number of words as if you'd just deleted "the."
I'll also get rid of "like"; I agree that that comparison doesn't need the extra word to make it a simile.
If I removed "we as" the line I feel would become too clinical, like I was a zookeeper talking about the mating habits of the lemurs, and in keeping that tone consistent I'd also have to change "our" to "their." (That latter point is probably just me being neurotic.)
Regarding "thus," while I agree it isn't needed, I like how the word sounds, like I enjoy the sound of "nirvana." So I think I'll keep it purely for that reason. I will remove "really" from the last line though.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe