Mr. Thomas

[Todd]

Hi Jack,

The narrative held my attention. Here are some comments for you:

--

There was an old theatrical,
a luvvie loved by all,--luvvie is a nice touch. Good foreshadowing
an actor who could not appal
regardless what he partook in.--since you later have the vex line this seems unnecessary. This functions more like a header comment which is unnecessary since you have a specific example that demonstrates the truth of it.
His name was Mr. Thomas and--Your title gives you this already you can cut this line and add a he to the next line
in his dotage dared to tell
of his love for his own sex,--You could cut the first his
and even this failed to vex
his beloved public.
He took himself a young lover
who could have been his son's brother,
a performer
rising fast in the cultural sphere.
He thought this new affair a sham,
as did his close friends,
and so the old man took pleasure
in making up for lost folly,
hedonism long denied.
But to his weary heart he lied
when the young man showed the signs
of affection running deep,
a river in a dark meadow
reflecting light between its shores.--These last three lines are a great image
That one should throw away their youth,
the happy scores
of sex and life,
to consign their heart to strife,--not a real fan of this line Jack it feels not needed IMO
the prison of unselfish care,
offended Mr. Thomas so.
'But!' his prisoner implored, 'sex is fleeting, as is life,
and in the absence of a wife
why not take my soul to keep?
Mr. Thomas I love you,
not just as a foster dad
or a human credit card,
as the gossips would believe. '
Mr. Thomas pained himself
to make his prisoner see sense,
but still the young man stayed stubborn,
naive as a picket fence.--wonderful simile really well done
With heavy heart old Thomas took
his father's service pistol down,
resolved to free his prisoner
the only way he could see how.--this is fine but you could cut the line if you wish
And so against the boy's temple
he poised the barrel,
fired once, and now to make it through the day
he counts the sparrows on their way
past the bars of his gray cell,
hoping the boy is not in hell.--I absolutely love the sparrows line and the gray cell line. Cell and Hell though feels a bit underwhelming to me

So, on the whole I like the piece. I love the picket fence and the river parts. The narrative holds interest. My only issues are some editing options and wanting a stronger ending. I hope some of this will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd