The only shelter is my mind

[ckeo]

Hi Craig,

I didn't see the earlier revision but let me give you some comments:

Something else to think about while we all get some line that we start writing from, it may not be the most interesting opening line. You want to draw the reader in which makes your first line very important. Looking at your first verse I might rearrange it this way for impact.

A wave of conformity swept across the nation
cant think of anything to believe in
I fear this days page in my journal will remain empty
it duck dived under me

The wave line is your strongest imo. You also could probably cut across if you wanted.

Just something to consider.

Best,

Todd

I fear this days page in my journal will remain empty
cant think of anything to believe in
A wave of conformity swept across the nation
it duck dived under me

My shelter cant weather this storm, I dont understand
the walls come crashing down where the sky erupted
as I lay beneath the rubble bruised but not beaten
I open my eyes and see a tarp above me

I think to myself, thank god.. No, I'm not homeless!
I cant comprehend why people think I should feel heartache
A long time ago, in my mind I built a fortress
it towers so high and the walls are strong to protect me

I live to appreciate the simple things in life
I dont need shiny things for comfort or security
welling away is the only thing you can do
as I retreat to my fortress.. nothing left to lose.

Thank you Todd, I will give it some thought... I didnt write those lines... they popped in my head as I was walking home... I dont know where they came from, but I will give your idea some thought.

*There was no earlier revision... I just merely corrected the exclamation point.

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I think Todd made a valid point. That first line seemed rather long and out of place. I know you are not going for a strict meter in this but meter is exactly what always seems to draw me to any poetry, even free verse. Since the meter in this seems to wander somewhat, I am mainly wondering, why even bother with the regular line-breaks? Not being critical, just wondering—I can always stand to learn something—and I believe the overall piece still has a good metric feel to it, enough to hold a reader’s interest. That (holding a reader's interest), should be the primary goal of any write.
Thanks for posting,

Sid

Hi, Thanks for reading... I know nothing about meter :/ it is something I have to study and learn.

As for the line breaks... I have a really short attention span... I could not read it written as a wall-o-text with any comprehension... could also explain the wandering meter.

I just need more practice.

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Was thinking the title and first line needs to be switched.... thoughts ?

"I fear this days page in my journal will remain empty"

A wave of conformity swept the nation
cant think of anything to believe in
my mind, the only shelter
it duck dived under me