07-26-2011, 11:07 AM
What a gorgeous piece. And I'm conflicted... on the one hand, there are a couple of punctuations that grammatically speaking are errors (comma after center, ending at "disguised" with "as delicate" as a sentence fragment) but I can see they are artistic decisions to reframe the flow of thought and correcting them straight-out makes the poem run too fast. I wish I had some ideas to account for this, but as of now image and structure-wise it stands pretty great
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?