07-25-2011, 08:48 PM
Leanne
I'm sorry if my critique of your poem (not criticisms of your
writing ability) upset you. I pointed out the things (I) read. do not make assumptions about the poet/admin billy
You have me surrounded.
I'll try this again, in more depth, from my perspective.
Getting all the lines to in these make sense is pretty tough to do.
I did state that I liked this and was jealous that you
wrote this in 1 day. I also pointed out the verse I liked the most.
Not many of these carry well all the way through.
It's the nature of the poem.
Stone
****Immediately I think of a rock. After reading the poem I realize
you never do mention the stone or pit. You do mention what is inside
----the seeds. It's a one word title that doesn't get referenced in the poem.
So the title doesn't help much in the meaning. I think it means
Cold, heart, or womb. That is why I mention the title.
I am the peach, with poison seed.
**** I have kids and know all about peach seeds. I wondered if
there was a peach that didn't have seeds that were poisonous.
That's why it stopped me.
Also I thought this was like saying I am the peach with peachy things,
or I am the only peach with peachy things. Sorry but that is how I
read it.
I disagree with your blonde analogy on this. A single word changes
the view of it.
"I am the girl with long blonde hair".... The only one in the room.
The description singles her out.
"I am a girl with long blonde hair' One of possibly many in the room, she
has some commonality with others.
Are you THE peach with poison seed?
or A peach with poison seed?
If you were singling yourself out, I am the only one, then so be it.
I think this was a fair assessment, and a small tweak.
****Rewriting the first line to not describe
what the poem is about may work on another level also.
This may have been a poorly written comment. It seemed you set up the story with this line, that is what I meant. "I'm death to every mouth I feed" has more of a hook and is a little more mysterious.
I WILL apologize for this stupid comment.
You stroke my skin and think me warm --
I’m death to every mouth I feed.
**** I thought you changed the view in this stanza. I wasn't sure.
I did say (I think)
Beneath the surface, insects swarm
Beneath this surface insects swarm
Beneath my surface insects swarm
****I realize this works no matter how it is read. It is not repeated
so I think tweaking this won't hurt the poem. I'm not telling you to
change anything. I'm telling you how I read it.
and seek to break this fleshy cage;
you stroke my skin and think me warm
but what you feel is buzzing rage
**** this line felt and still feels awkward to me. You go from him thinking
you're warm and you telling him that he actually feels a buzzing rage.
I don't think the two meld very well. I do think you feeling
the buzzing rage is a better contrast.
This would have went well with cold enough to numb the thought,
because of the contrasts. If he feels something it might
ought to be cold.
This line is not repeated, a small tweak would not hurt this.
again the way I read it, not the way you wrote it.
that stings me as I cry, I cry
and seek to break this fleshy cage.
You said.
"I don't want people to have to guess at both the metaphor
and what's being alluded to in the metaphor."
I am left guessing a little.
Maybe my reading skills aren't up to the higher caliber writing.
In which case, if I don't understand a poem, then maybe I shouldn't
comment on it?
You said
"I just genuinely don't understand a lot of your criticisms"
I assume this is not the only piece where my views don't match yours,
do you find my critiques offensive in general? if you want to ask question of such nature do it through pm, i can't understand why your hackles are up/ admin billy
David
I'm sorry if my critique of your poem (not criticisms of your
writing ability) upset you. I pointed out the things (I) read. do not make assumptions about the poet/admin billy
You have me surrounded.
I'll try this again, in more depth, from my perspective.
Getting all the lines to in these make sense is pretty tough to do.
I did state that I liked this and was jealous that you
wrote this in 1 day. I also pointed out the verse I liked the most.
Not many of these carry well all the way through.
It's the nature of the poem.
Stone
****Immediately I think of a rock. After reading the poem I realize
you never do mention the stone or pit. You do mention what is inside
----the seeds. It's a one word title that doesn't get referenced in the poem.
So the title doesn't help much in the meaning. I think it means
Cold, heart, or womb. That is why I mention the title.
I am the peach, with poison seed.
**** I have kids and know all about peach seeds. I wondered if
there was a peach that didn't have seeds that were poisonous.
That's why it stopped me.
Also I thought this was like saying I am the peach with peachy things,
or I am the only peach with peachy things. Sorry but that is how I
read it.
I disagree with your blonde analogy on this. A single word changes
the view of it.
"I am the girl with long blonde hair".... The only one in the room.
The description singles her out.
"I am a girl with long blonde hair' One of possibly many in the room, she
has some commonality with others.
Are you THE peach with poison seed?
or A peach with poison seed?
If you were singling yourself out, I am the only one, then so be it.
I think this was a fair assessment, and a small tweak.
****Rewriting the first line to not describe
what the poem is about may work on another level also.
This may have been a poorly written comment. It seemed you set up the story with this line, that is what I meant. "I'm death to every mouth I feed" has more of a hook and is a little more mysterious.
I WILL apologize for this stupid comment.
You stroke my skin and think me warm --
I’m death to every mouth I feed.
**** I thought you changed the view in this stanza. I wasn't sure.
I did say (I think)
Beneath the surface, insects swarm
Beneath this surface insects swarm
Beneath my surface insects swarm
****I realize this works no matter how it is read. It is not repeated
so I think tweaking this won't hurt the poem. I'm not telling you to
change anything. I'm telling you how I read it.
and seek to break this fleshy cage;
you stroke my skin and think me warm
but what you feel is buzzing rage
**** this line felt and still feels awkward to me. You go from him thinking
you're warm and you telling him that he actually feels a buzzing rage.
I don't think the two meld very well. I do think you feeling
the buzzing rage is a better contrast.
This would have went well with cold enough to numb the thought,
because of the contrasts. If he feels something it might
ought to be cold.
This line is not repeated, a small tweak would not hurt this.
again the way I read it, not the way you wrote it.
that stings me as I cry, I cry
and seek to break this fleshy cage.
You said.
"I don't want people to have to guess at both the metaphor
and what's being alluded to in the metaphor."
I am left guessing a little.
Maybe my reading skills aren't up to the higher caliber writing.
In which case, if I don't understand a poem, then maybe I shouldn't
comment on it?
You said
"I just genuinely don't understand a lot of your criticisms"
I assume this is not the only piece where my views don't match yours,
do you find my critiques offensive in general? if you want to ask question of such nature do it through pm, i can't understand why your hackles are up/ admin billy
David