07-25-2011, 04:11 PM
for me this is a big improvement.
the 1st verse is my favourite, there's a thought, an image and a continuity that helps the reader. nicely done.
the 2nd..beware of cliché, crashing walls is a fairly common one. an odd cliche that slip through can be okay but best to try and not use any if you can. other than that it works
not sure about 1st line of the 3rd verse . the ! should come right after the word! and not like this ! i struggled a little with it. the rest of the verse was fine though it could be made a little tighter.
the last verse feels okay though i'm sure about welling away.
seriously CK this for me is a fantastic improvement, think about the grammar and look out for repetition.
well done and thanks for the read.
the 1st verse is my favourite, there's a thought, an image and a continuity that helps the reader. nicely done.
the 2nd..beware of cliché, crashing walls is a fairly common one. an odd cliche that slip through can be okay but best to try and not use any if you can. other than that it works
not sure about 1st line of the 3rd verse . the ! should come right after the word! and not like this ! i struggled a little with it. the rest of the verse was fine though it could be made a little tighter.
the last verse feels okay though i'm sure about welling away.
seriously CK this for me is a fantastic improvement, think about the grammar and look out for repetition.
well done and thanks for the read.