Revised: A Critique of Walt Whitman

[billy]

I cannot stomach comradeship,
the masculinity you loved, as soldiers sleep by lakes
and woo, women sew the meadow's store,
and everyone is ripe with joy, stranger holding
kind stranger, Indians and whites at peace;
what is this strange utopia, this place we tell children about
to placate them each night?

this optimism of the blind denies the tombs,
the leaves which fall on great stone beds
and wither in the summer light. when you explore
this transaction, this last exchange, immortal fields
of your bright world have more subtance,
feel like home. by acknowledging the moon
you justify the sun. I wish you'd done it more often.

it's substance...

no change in the 1st verse which i'm glad off,
as grammar has been used and to good use, why not put caps in their respective places?

what a difference an edit makes you bugger. ten fold better for me jack.
apart form the caps and spelling, i have one nit the 'it' in 'done it'; would 'done so' soften it up a little? i like the leaves in this one, the first 2 lines of the 2nd verse are way stronger than the original. for me it's an excellent edit.

thanks for the read.