Jack,
You have flourishes in your work that I envy. I sort of agree with Billy though maybe from a slightly different angle I also feel that S3 is where this takes off because the first two strophes feel like buildup to the critique rather than the critique itself. Without seeing a rewrite for me I'd arrange the poem:
S3
S4
Final two lines stand alone:
a tale we believe in youth
but grow to distrust as we age.
Obviously that might require some slight edits to pull together. The rest isn't bad Jack it just feels like a delay to get to where you're going.
Oh, well do with these comments as you like.
Best,
Todd
You have flourishes in your work that I envy. I sort of agree with Billy though maybe from a slightly different angle I also feel that S3 is where this takes off because the first two strophes feel like buildup to the critique rather than the critique itself. Without seeing a rewrite for me I'd arrange the poem:
S3
S4
Final two lines stand alone:
a tale we believe in youth
but grow to distrust as we age.
Obviously that might require some slight edits to pull together. The rest isn't bad Jack it just feels like a delay to get to where you're going.
Oh, well do with these comments as you like.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson