The Storm (2nd Revision)

[ckeo]

Hi ck,

This is the first of your poems that I've read. It's good to see you posting. I would challenge you to go through this poem and ask yourself what words could I cut and not sacrifice meaning. I'll give you some cuts that I think may work (obviously you know what you're going for more than me so see if this works for you):

The black rain washed over the weathered pavement--you could cut "the" before weathered and probably the other "the" as well
into the drain like shadows of tentacles reaching out..
the sky opened up where the clouds bled with a crimson sigh--this might work better as a second line. You could probably cut "the sky opened up". I like how you use color and sound in the second part of this line
as the suns rays reached down like search beacons,
for a fleeting moment I could feel its warmth--you could cut "its"
as it drifted away with the winds leaving me cold wet and alone,
thus I remain in the fold of my destiny. --you could probably cut thus I remain
~ck~

Well, I hope the comments will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

Thank you... took your advice and changed some other things as well..
the last 3 lines do not feel right, I will have to give it some thought, but maybe its just me.


*was thinking of using:

"Fleeting warmth drifted away with the winds,
destiny folded, leaving me cold, wet and alone."