a pratchett fan i see, 
as far as the form goes it seems you did a great job. there's a couple of places un-iambic, but using all iambs isn't written in stone so i didn't mention it in the body of the poem (that said it would have helped the flow for me had they been used) i think if the refrain had been made to read differently it would have gave the poem an added depth. personally i think you should try a few more
(jmo)
for me it's far above average and well worth the read.
(07-21-2011, 07:33 AM)ICSoria Wrote: I have never really been happy with it either, so have at it. I have developed thick skin as regards criticism so don't worry...I won't go postal on you.for me L 6, and 7 feel a little forced.
Denied
To know that place where wondrous dreams reside
Beyond the golden door that guards your heart,
I'd take love's key and lock mine all inside
To know that place where wondrous dreams reside
Set free emotions we had been denied
Within despondent days we'd been apart.
To know that place where wondrous dreams reside
Beyond the golden door that guards your heart.
©2008
as far as the form goes it seems you did a great job. there's a couple of places un-iambic, but using all iambs isn't written in stone so i didn't mention it in the body of the poem (that said it would have helped the flow for me had they been used) i think if the refrain had been made to read differently it would have gave the poem an added depth. personally i think you should try a few more
(jmo)for me it's far above average and well worth the read.