07-19-2011, 05:02 AM
Hooray, more Aish poems!
Me, I like the white space but I'd be tempted to give alchemy its own line for more emphasis. I love the idea that they're "my stars", your gift essentially, and who doesn't love a bit of transmogrification?
I am not convinced that the title is best for the poem. In short forms like this, every word counts and "mystery" seems rather generic to me. Something more esoteric? Ach, I'm just being picky now.
Me, I like the white space but I'd be tempted to give alchemy its own line for more emphasis. I love the idea that they're "my stars", your gift essentially, and who doesn't love a bit of transmogrification?
I am not convinced that the title is best for the poem. In short forms like this, every word counts and "mystery" seems rather generic to me. Something more esoteric? Ach, I'm just being picky now.
It could be worse