07-18-2011, 04:44 AM
This is at once both tranquil and disturbing -- I feel like I should be holding my breath. Excellent refrains. L5 seems to force the grammar just a fraction, but I can't think of a quick fix at the moment. I would probably suggest seeking a metaphor for L6 rather than a simile, as "like" occurs a few too many times in a very short poem.
Overall, though, this is a very effective triolet.
Overall, though, this is a very effective triolet.
It could be worse