07-13-2011, 09:29 AM
Love the "metallic tasting bacon line"... it conveys the experience in such an original way. In fact that entire first strophe was great in that you used descriptions of sensation and bare fact to make the sadness just ithe reader, without once bringing up any emotion or the typical emotional cues. And I agree with Billy, that last part elevates it beautifully. Great work with this
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?