Melancholia

[Todd]

Hi Jack,

Cool piece. A couple comments below:

the light at the centre of the apple
can be gleaned from the eyes of a Jew
as he watches a door close behind his parents,
remembers leaves, remembers fruits,--I think it would read better as fruit
swelling in the back garden
while summer licks his fingertips.--gorgeous line

Okay here's the thing I honestly think S1 could be the complete poem, aside from my one minor nit it's awesome. We have the Genesis account the light (creation, and more specifically here knowledge of good and evil locked in the fruit. The first two lines set the scene. L3 is the fall with the door closing behind the ultimate parents. The idea of swelling gives the sense of sex and the loss of innocence, and summer (maybe capitalized: I know you don't normally do that I just wonder if it might be proper when you're personifying summer) lets us know that we have moved away from spring (begginings) and the licking of fingertips also carries a sense of sensuality.

That's not to say there's no merit further down just this is its own poem (imo).

memories and endless night
mixing in the same paint pot,--I really like this image
until a colour unseen by
all artists up until this point
begs to adorn the canvas.

such a useless, grim landscape,
surrounded by thousands of lights
in an empty gallery. we are all that ever was,
and any thing will ever be.--do you need another that after thing

six billion minds heading for bed
once the furnaces are cleaned,--chilling image
the battlefields swept and the slaughterhouse washed,--maybe cut the and
prepared for use by those awaking.

The whole thing is strong Jack, and I can see how it holds together. I don't want to give you the wrong idea on how I feel about the total piece. It's more a sense of thinking part of it is sublime.

Best to you (hope something in all that is helpful),

Todd