Sorrow for the Stars

[Todd]

Hi Vika,

Nice to read your work. Here are a few comments to consider (use them if they work, ignore them if they don't):

I see a lot of good elements here. I think they would pop more with some careful editing though. I would challenge you to go back and ask yourself what can be cut without sacrificing meaning or tone. Ask yourself how can I say what I need to in the fewest words. I'll give you an example of things you could do in the text (again only for illustrating not to say THIS rewrite is the best )

Okay here's S3 as our first edited example:

I used to tell you how I loved that moon
How the silver light would guide me
As I walked down the beaten dirt road
On those teary nights
When I had nowhere else to walk

There are good bones in this writing. I really like the specific THAT moon. Here are some proposed cuts: I would cut "As I walked". I would consider cutting dirt because beaten road sounds cooler to my ear without it. I would consider cutting teary beause it's a bit too telling and the image of the beaten road and nowhere else to walk sort of conveys teary to me. After cutting teary I would pull up when I had nowhere to make the line more interesting.

I used to tell you how I loved that moon
How the silver light would guide me
Down the beaten road
On those nights when I had nowhere
else to walk

Again, I just want to provide you with something to think about whichever way you decide to go.

I hope it's helpful.

Best,

Todd