07-09-2011, 08:04 AM
I can't add much to that 
But in the second strophe, I think just "until" instead of "up until" would do, and in the third, maybe you'd consider "grim, useless" instead of the other way around, for sonic value. The last stanza leaves me chilled (in a good way).
Wonderful, horrible stuff, Jack.
But in the second strophe, I think just "until" instead of "up until" would do, and in the third, maybe you'd consider "grim, useless" instead of the other way around, for sonic value. The last stanza leaves me chilled (in a good way). Wonderful, horrible stuff, Jack.
It could be worse