07-09-2011, 07:54 AM
The second stanza is by far my favourite, with very intense images. I also like your spiral technique, with repetition of the fall, heralding dawn and the men on the banks.
Your second last line should probably be "lest I fall".
I would actually like to see longer lines in some of this, at least in the third stanza where you have "wandering" that could be echoed by the structure of the poem. The second and third lines particularly could do without the break.
I don't mind the surrealist package of the poem at all, though as I've said, I do think the structure could be used to greater effect.
Your second last line should probably be "lest I fall".
I would actually like to see longer lines in some of this, at least in the third stanza where you have "wandering" that could be echoed by the structure of the poem. The second and third lines particularly could do without the break.
I don't mind the surrealist package of the poem at all, though as I've said, I do think the structure could be used to greater effect.
It could be worse