Alice in the Asylum: Psychiatric Transcript (Revision 5)

[Todd]

Our english teacher made us read "Gretel in Darkness" in school, back when all we ignorant kids knew about poetry was Shakespeare's sonnets . It was a hell of an eye-opener.

The addition of psychiatric notes work very well... they add a great dimension to the piece. Especially that ending, where you used it to chilling effect. If I absolutely had to pick one nit, maybe "dyslexic" sounds a little too clinically self-aware for the dream/hallucination part. Of course, style-wise, it doesn't really detract from the piece, which is nicely disturbing especially now with the edit.

Hi Addy,

Thanks for the comments. Gretel in Darkness might be one of my favorite by Louise Gluck.

The opening:

This is the world we wanted.
All who would have seen us dead
are dead. I hear the witch's cry
break in the moonlight through a sheet
of sugar: God rewards.
Her tongue shrivels into gas

And the end also:

we are there still and it is real, real,
that black forest and the fire in earnest.

Such great writing.

I see your point on dsylexic and I'll give it some thought.

I have some other options I may try...I'll address them in a post after I've addressed the other comments. Though with my schedule it may be a few weeks before I have the time to execute them.

Thanks again,

Todd

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Personally I think the notes make up a different kind of poem all on their own -- which is a good thing I don't think the current format is ideal but because I'm technically incompetent, I don't know how to make it more obviously notes -- italics might help though, and if they could be a bit closer to the main text.

I was momentarily distracted by the Bandersnatch and wondered at its use, until I paid attention to the title. To that end, I'd probably suggest slightly more definite motifs in each stanza as the only other one that stands out to me is the glass. The second stanza is quite "telly", but you certainly need part of it -- I'm just not sure which part. I think it's probably "no lucid dream to wake from" that pushes it over the edge for me.

On the whole though, this is fine poetry and the clinical notes definitely give it a unique, interesting edge.

Hi Leanne,

I appreciate the comments. It's always nice when a critique gives you something to think about. Most of my poems go through 40-100 revisions even after I'm sure I'm done. I will give attention to S2 and the lucid dream phrasing. I get what your saying about motiffs by my reckoning I count four though two may be way too subtle and thus not do what they should. I do think though that you're probably right in pointing it out. If I had stronger allusions in points it would probably help the contrast between wonderland and the notes.

As to the format I have two other options in mind which I'll detail below. I'm not sure if the site interface will actually let me do them so I may need to do a repost and describe how they should look. More on that later.

Thank you again.

Best,

Todd

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not quite a cleave poem but you've added an extra dimension.
with the edit, it has more clarity for me as well. would you consider making the main body of the body bold
in order to visually differentiate the shrink and alice. apart from that nit i can't see as i can give any constructive feedback.

nice edit todd.

Hey Billy, Thank you for the comments. I'm glad it's moving forward for you. The formatting is a work in progress so I'll show you some other looks soon.

Best,

Todd

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Hi David,

You bring up some good points and I may need to tweak the title abit. The original title was "And What She Found There" and while I'm not going back to it, it was playing on the sequel title: Alice's adventures through the looking glass and what she found there." So, your points on the Red Queen and the Jaberwocky make a lot of sense. I'll give it all some thought (and try not to be sloppy with the source material). I see what you mean about wonderland characters (sort of what leanne was also pointing out with motiffs). I'll definitely look to that in a future revision. It may come after I've dealt with the clinical notes but I will get to it.

A lot to think about and very much appreciated.

Best,

Todd

Todd

You have some good stuff here and some fluff.

Would have liked more characters from Wonderland to appear in this person. "Wonderland delusion."

Not sure when you wrote this but "Underland" is more up to date with the Red Queen, Jabberwocky and such, with a more mature patient as Alice is in her return visit.

I think the psychiatric notes are need because this is a psychiatric transcript. The other way of doing it would involve only observations
from the psychiatrist, with a lead in of a stanza where the patient is talking.

This has a lot of potential

Just my opinion

David

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Okay to formatting:

I tried the italicized comments within the text and felt that it came across too disjointed. I'm thinking of either footnoting with the psychiatic notes at the bottom or my more likely choice will be too expand the notes and have this sit like a case study:

Some transcript lead in comment

Then the poem (though likely expanded a bit)

Then the notes across the bottom think of it sitting under a bolded underline sort of like where you'd see an official use only box at the bottom of a form. I would expand the observations a bit but still try to keep them more poetic than prose (which may be difficult--but the idea of a clinical poem interpreting a fanciful poem appeals to me--if I can pull it off)...again this may take a couple weeks or months depending on when I can get to the revision.


Thank you all again for your very helpful comments.