The Day Before It Ended (Revision 2-3-13)

[Todd]

Good edit... it further emphasized the restraint in the words of the piece, those glimmers of interest dutifully smothered by vagueness. Indeed, too much flair would detract from it. Expertly done.

Thank you addy I appreciate the comments. This has always felt like more of a mood piece to me. I'm glad I'm not moving further away on revision (which happens more times than I would like)

although the edit is small it makes a difference for me.

the first two stanza read much better.
nice edit todd, they feel much tighter.

I appreciate you looking at this again Billy. Thank you.

Todd

Revision

We drank a tasteless Shiraz
in that trendy café on Union,
chewing words like stale bread.

The sum of our equation
had become
the root canal, the laundry, the groceries,...thought you were heading toward half mathimatical descriptions her...ie..square root..etc. laundry threw me off. I shouldn't write as I read.

and endless soccer games.

You spoke of that place
you’d read about,
something about mangos,
some island somewhere,
which you might like to visit.
This stanza stops the poem. ....that place, something about, some island and you might like...This may be intentional to show that you are bored but it stops the flow for me. jmo

I nodded,
as always,
felt your lips
light brush.

Our kiss now faded:
a postmark on a letter
from people
we no longer knew

In the indistinct gray light,
no particular bird was singing


Like the rest of this.

The more I read the third stanza the more I think it was intentional and the more I like it.

Very nice writing.

Could use some rhyme tho. Hehe.

David

Hi David,

Appreciate the comments. So, yes I was originally going mathematical with that root equation thing. I came to the conclusion though that I was being too cute with the line break so I toned it back on the revision.

I'll set this one down a bit for distance and reread the mangoes stanza and consider what you said about flow (it is intentional as you said, but it may not be the most effective choice). I'll make a conclusion on it after I've let it sit for a month. I know it grew on you, but it's still worth reflecting on.

I'll see what I can do about the rhyme

Thank you for the time you spent going over it.

Best,

Todd