New Poem

[billy]

Ok, so this is only half of a new poem that I made. I need to write the rest later...
Anywho, it uses mostly slant rhyme, but as of right now I am fairly unsatisfied with it, and would love some criticism. Thanks!
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The winter wraps the city elms
In coats of crystal wool.
Much like a mother making sure
Her children will be warm.
And in the moonlights opal ode
I am a poet’s word-
That’s etched upon the silent snow,
Within a winter storm.

A woman walks across the street,
And slowly turns her head.
She kicks up dust beneath her feet,
That floats this way, and that.
The powder settles on the path,
I shoveled out before
I watch her waltz into the black,
And shovel it once more.

i have to have a nap cos it was my b/day yesterday so i'll leave a couple of comments and come back to it when i wake up refreshed ;

i've noticed you use the opal word in a lot of your poems. try and change it. as nice as it is a dedicated reader of your work, which i presume is what you eventually hope to acquire will tire of it. (it does work in this piece though.)



for me lines 6.7, and 8 need reworking. they sound to arty farty look at me i'm a poet. (hope that makes sense) and a bit trite. within a winter storm is real cliche. needs some of your originality. i know you have it, i've seen it.


in the second stanza you do with powder what you did with opal, making it feel cliche even if it isn't.

does the woman shovel it once more or do you. feels a bit forced.
i presumed it was snow around (crystal wool) and so the dust threw me a bit.

this second stanza needs a minimum of one good solid image. waltzing into the black is again a bit cliche. try and make her do something else instead of dance or sashay into the black. if you can give her a fresh image/action and create one more you'll be near a decent poem. the rhymes or flow work really well. so you should have a problem with that.
if you have to strip out all but the into the dark and make it fresh.

i'm really glad you posted this. larry. with look you'll have a thread that shows new less able poets how and what they need to do to workshop a poem. i'm very impressed. thanks.

i was only supposed to say i'll comment on it later lol.