02-10-2010, 03:01 PM
Hi Larry, happy to see your poetry here 
You seem really deft at composing your imagery... very controlled and evocative. Your tone is pitch-perfect. A very, very good job. Over time, you can further strengthen that personal voice.
A few minor rhythm problems in line 5 and line 12 (the last one), where you seem to have dropped a syllable.For the last line, I wouldn't have chosen the word "amplified". It's clear what you mean, but perhaps a word more in keeping with your tone and more dramatic as a conclusion to your poem. Of course in the end, it's up to your own discretion.
Thanks for sharing!
You seem really deft at composing your imagery... very controlled and evocative. Your tone is pitch-perfect. A very, very good job. Over time, you can further strengthen that personal voice.
A few minor rhythm problems in line 5 and line 12 (the last one), where you seem to have dropped a syllable.For the last line, I wouldn't have chosen the word "amplified". It's clear what you mean, but perhaps a word more in keeping with your tone and more dramatic as a conclusion to your poem. Of course in the end, it's up to your own discretion
. Thanks for sharing!
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?