07-04-2011, 03:16 PM
Very nice images here, Aish, it's quite surreal and the final juxtaposition between the traditional usage of soft, shiny satin against the "growling brow" is excellent.
That one inversion of syntax in "asunder made" (S4) stands out awkwardly to me -- obviously you want to avoid the cliched "torn asunder" etc, but it is quite odd. Odd is not necessarily bad, of course -- it may be that it just needs to stand out, as it forces a pause in the reading.
One small typo in S2, "boundaries".
Thanks very much for the read, it's good to see you posting
That one inversion of syntax in "asunder made" (S4) stands out awkwardly to me -- obviously you want to avoid the cliched "torn asunder" etc, but it is quite odd. Odd is not necessarily bad, of course -- it may be that it just needs to stand out, as it forces a pause in the reading.
One small typo in S2, "boundaries".
Thanks very much for the read, it's good to see you posting
It could be worse