07-02-2011, 03:17 PM
Jade, I think you've got a poem in the "quote" itself -- I wonder at the reasoning behind acknowledging yourself there though, seems a bit weird 
A bit of white space and that's some profound stuff.
I love "beneath the summer". This gives the season itself far more importance and weight. I'm with the other commenters on "bemused" though -- I am not convinced that it makes any sense, even in a surreal manner, though personification of the place is not a bad idea in itself. "No one ever floats in a good place" is excellent. I'd probably get rid of the hyphen after dead, I don't think it's necessary.
The ending sentence is great, and overall, this is a very fine piece.
A bit of white space and that's some profound stuff.I love "beneath the summer". This gives the season itself far more importance and weight. I'm with the other commenters on "bemused" though -- I am not convinced that it makes any sense, even in a surreal manner, though personification of the place is not a bad idea in itself. "No one ever floats in a good place" is excellent. I'd probably get rid of the hyphen after dead, I don't think it's necessary.
The ending sentence is great, and overall, this is a very fine piece.
It could be worse