06-30-2011, 11:46 AM
Todd
Revision
We drank a tasteless Shiraz
in that trendy café on Union,
chewing words like stale bread.
The sum of our equation
had become
the root canal, the laundry, the groceries,...thought you were heading toward half mathimatical descriptions her...ie..square root..etc. laundry threw me off. I shouldn't write as I read.
and endless soccer games.
You spoke of that place
you’d read about,
something about mangos,
some island somewhere,
which you might like to visit.
This stanza stops the poem. ....that place, something about, some island and you might like...This may be intentional to show that you are bored but it stops the flow for me. jmo
I nodded,
as always,
felt your lips
light brush.
Our kiss now faded:
a postmark on a letter
from people
we no longer knew
In the indistinct gray light,
no particular bird was singing
Like the rest of this.
The more I read the third stanza the more I think it was intentional and the more I like it.
Very nice writing.
Could use some rhyme tho. Hehe.
David
Revision
We drank a tasteless Shiraz
in that trendy café on Union,
chewing words like stale bread.
The sum of our equation
had become
the root canal, the laundry, the groceries,...thought you were heading toward half mathimatical descriptions her...ie..square root..etc. laundry threw me off. I shouldn't write as I read.
and endless soccer games.
You spoke of that place
you’d read about,
something about mangos,
some island somewhere,
which you might like to visit.
This stanza stops the poem. ....that place, something about, some island and you might like...This may be intentional to show that you are bored but it stops the flow for me. jmo
I nodded,
as always,
felt your lips
light brush.
Our kiss now faded:
a postmark on a letter
from people
we no longer knew
In the indistinct gray light,
no particular bird was singing
Like the rest of this.
The more I read the third stanza the more I think it was intentional and the more I like it.
Very nice writing.
Could use some rhyme tho. Hehe.
David