06-30-2011, 09:11 AM
Personally I think the notes make up a different kind of poem all on their own -- which is a good thing 
I don't think the current format is ideal but because I'm technically incompetent, I don't know how to make it more obviously notes -- italics might help though, and if they could be a bit closer to the main text.
I was momentarily distracted by the Bandersnatch and wondered at its use, until I paid attention to the title. To that end, I'd probably suggest slightly more definite motifs in each stanza as the only other one that stands out to me is the glass. The second stanza is quite "telly", but you certainly need part of it -- I'm just not sure which part. I think it's probably "no lucid dream to wake from" that pushes it over the edge for me.
On the whole though, this is fine poetry and the clinical notes definitely give it a unique, interesting edge.
I don't think the current format is ideal but because I'm technically incompetent, I don't know how to make it more obviously notes -- italics might help though, and if they could be a bit closer to the main text. I was momentarily distracted by the Bandersnatch and wondered at its use, until I paid attention to the title. To that end, I'd probably suggest slightly more definite motifs in each stanza as the only other one that stands out to me is the glass. The second stanza is quite "telly", but you certainly need part of it -- I'm just not sure which part. I think it's probably "no lucid dream to wake from" that pushes it over the edge for me.
On the whole though, this is fine poetry and the clinical notes definitely give it a unique, interesting edge.
It could be worse