06-30-2011, 08:35 AM
I think the first stanza works fine, since at that point you are still establishing the idea you are ruminating on... but by the second and third for me it was a little too much POV exposition and could be zinged up a little with poetic imagery. Nevertheless, I think you've put your thoughts down well, and I like the tone of it. It should polish up beautifully 
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?