06-30-2011, 05:06 AM
Heslopian
I suck at this formal stuff, so I won't comment on that.
I liked the poem, the meter is off to my ear, but I cant read sonnets anyhow.
You've gone into the Yoda world to fit the words and rhyme into this.
Also a lot seems forced. Happens to me all the time. (there's an insurance commercial in there somewhere).
Keep the lines you know aren't forced and rewrite the ones you know are.
Sometimes a poem starts with a dozen images or sounds jotted down, that sounds nice, that feels right etc.. If they don't fit the poem, no how good the line sounds, put them in another poem.
This is a good start.
The first two lines are the best lines in the poem.
Sorry I couldn't be of more help
David
I suck at this formal stuff, so I won't comment on that.
I liked the poem, the meter is off to my ear, but I cant read sonnets anyhow.
You've gone into the Yoda world to fit the words and rhyme into this.
Also a lot seems forced. Happens to me all the time. (there's an insurance commercial in there somewhere).
Keep the lines you know aren't forced and rewrite the ones you know are.
Sometimes a poem starts with a dozen images or sounds jotted down, that sounds nice, that feels right etc.. If they don't fit the poem, no how good the line sounds, put them in another poem.
This is a good start.
The first two lines are the best lines in the poem.
Sorry I couldn't be of more help
David