06-30-2011, 04:49 AM
The rhyme scheme's all wrong for a sonnet, and it doesn't really have the question-answer or problem-summary setup, so let's just call it a nice poem of fourteen lines, shall we? That satisfies my anal side 
My head is propped on eiderdown pillows, -- this line gives you an immediate meter problem with your last two words: EIderDOWN PILLows. Down is not as strong a stress as the first syllable, but it's noticeable, and pillows just won't shove itself into iambs. In effect, throughout the poem you shift from pentameter to tetrameter as the number of syllables in your feet vary, so what I'm going to suggest is a complete meter change: count feet and not syllables, allow some of the softer stresses to be swallowed up, in a sort of sprung rhythm (a la Gerard Manley Hopkins). This will give you a more natural speaking cadence and not lose your rhymes.
So, it would go something like this:
My HEAD is PROPPED upON these EIDerdown PILLows (5 feet)
To show you how it would work, I can't think of any other way but a tiny rewrite of the whole poem, bearing in mind I'm not trying to change anything but the sound.
My head is propped upon these eiderdown pillows
My hands laced over my breasts like withes of willows.
I don’t recall the scene of my demise,
Nor how from the pit my spirit came to rise.
In truth I rarely think upon my fate,
But ponder instead that which will my heart sate.
How could I know the joy of loneliness,
While caught in such pretence of godliness?
So vain, so arrogant my budding heart,
That I would never tolerate the smart.
But now as torches light my rotten flesh,
My soul is lost in dreaming’s cotton mesh.
No longer do I envy the unborn,
But pity those mortals left behind to mourn.
Really very small changes, you'll notice. If I have a bit of quiet time later I'll record it for you, if you find you're having trouble hearing the meter. I didn't change any of the essence of the poem because frankly, your words are pretty damn good.
My head is propped on eiderdown pillows, -- this line gives you an immediate meter problem with your last two words: EIderDOWN PILLows. Down is not as strong a stress as the first syllable, but it's noticeable, and pillows just won't shove itself into iambs. In effect, throughout the poem you shift from pentameter to tetrameter as the number of syllables in your feet vary, so what I'm going to suggest is a complete meter change: count feet and not syllables, allow some of the softer stresses to be swallowed up, in a sort of sprung rhythm (a la Gerard Manley Hopkins). This will give you a more natural speaking cadence and not lose your rhymes.
So, it would go something like this:
My HEAD is PROPPED upON these EIDerdown PILLows (5 feet)
To show you how it would work, I can't think of any other way but a tiny rewrite of the whole poem, bearing in mind I'm not trying to change anything but the sound.
My head is propped upon these eiderdown pillows
My hands laced over my breasts like withes of willows.
I don’t recall the scene of my demise,
Nor how from the pit my spirit came to rise.
In truth I rarely think upon my fate,
But ponder instead that which will my heart sate.
How could I know the joy of loneliness,
While caught in such pretence of godliness?
So vain, so arrogant my budding heart,
That I would never tolerate the smart.
But now as torches light my rotten flesh,
My soul is lost in dreaming’s cotton mesh.
No longer do I envy the unborn,
But pity those mortals left behind to mourn.
Really very small changes, you'll notice. If I have a bit of quiet time later I'll record it for you, if you find you're having trouble hearing the meter. I didn't change any of the essence of the poem because frankly, your words are pretty damn good.
It could be worse