(06-28-2011, 07:01 PM)Heslopian Wrote: “Who would fardels bear,good effort jack
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovere'd country, from whose bourn
No traveler returns” – William Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act 3, scene 1
My head is propped on eiderdown pillows,
My hands laced over my breasts like willows.
I don’t recall the scene of my demise,
Or how from the pit my spirit did rise.
In truth I rarely consider my fate,
But ponder instead what will my heart sate.
How could I know the joy of loneliness,
While caught in a pretence of godliness.
So vain, so arrogant my budding heart,
That I would never tolerate the smart.
But now as torches light my rotten flesh,
My soul is lost in a dream’s cotton mesh.
No longer do I envy the unborn,
But pity those mortals I’ve left to mourn.
while Leanne is the best informed of this type of poem.heres my take.
it fits in much better with the intro.
some of iambs seem to be reversed and as such make it feel a little forced in places. while it doesn't flow as well as the original, it could do with a few edits and a little practice, i doubt anyone could just write a sonnet any better than this first or 2nd time round.
IE,
But now as torches light my rotten flesh, iambic
My soul is lost in a dream’s cotton mesh. not iambic (because of 'in a')
But now as torches light my rotten flesh,
My soul is lost in dream's thin cotton mesh. (just an idea)
the end rhyme is spot on.
have a few goes on this thread
it really helped me to get a better grasp of the iamb thing
all in all a great effort with the form. i think with a little practice you'll get the hang of it.
thanks for the read jack. could to see you trying some form work
