Revised: The Undiscovered Country

[addy]

Wow! That's a pretty extensive edit... you came out with a much crisper product. It reads like a very classic piece, in both tone and sensibility. Nicely done. Not much I can critique, really.

My head is propped on eiderdown pillows,
My hands laced over my breasts like willows. very pretty
I don’t recall the scene of my demise,
Or how from the pit my spirit did rise.
In truth I rarely consider my fate,
But ponder instead what will my heart sate. this definitely struck a chord
How could I know the joy of loneliness,
While caught in a pretence of godliness.
So vain, so arrogant my budding heart,
That I would never tolerate the smart. rhythm seems off? maybe just me
But now as torches light my rotten flesh,
My soul is lost in a "a" not needed dream’s cotton mesh.
No longer do I envy the unborn,
But pity those mortals I’ve left to mourn. Nice close. For me it would be better if this were preluded by something more distinctly positive about death, like instead of the soul being "lost in a dream" just "wrapped in a dream" (LOL or better than that ) of course that's just a thought