06-09-2011, 12:35 PM
I forgive you your thread ego 
This is superb, I'm afraid, I know you were dying to have it ripped to pieces. It's perfect iambic tetrameter -- I really like "the miles form a metronome" (see, that's only seven syllables technically, but miles stretches out into a rise/fall pattern, so you still have your four feet) -- it's a nice little play on the meter. The sense of futility and disdain for the necessities of 9-to-5 is strong throughout.
"A blackened window now opaque" is a little confusing -- if it was already blackened, it would have always been opaque. Or was it clear, and blackened by the night? If that's the case, perhaps you mean something like "a window blackened now, opaque".
I really like what you've done with this, Todd, and I like your full stop in S2, it works perfectly. Thanks for playing
This is superb, I'm afraid, I know you were dying to have it ripped to pieces. It's perfect iambic tetrameter -- I really like "the miles form a metronome" (see, that's only seven syllables technically, but miles stretches out into a rise/fall pattern, so you still have your four feet) -- it's a nice little play on the meter. The sense of futility and disdain for the necessities of 9-to-5 is strong throughout."A blackened window now opaque" is a little confusing -- if it was already blackened, it would have always been opaque. Or was it clear, and blackened by the night? If that's the case, perhaps you mean something like "a window blackened now, opaque".
I really like what you've done with this, Todd, and I like your full stop in S2, it works perfectly. Thanks for playing
It could be worse