06-09-2011, 04:52 AM
Good morning Jack, and welcome!
You have good words here. I like the duality of trauma/peace and "exhaling violence". If you wanted to give it a little more impact, it's as simple as changing your punctuation and line lengths a bit -- for example, a comma or even a semi-colon after "longing", and perhaps instead of a comma between "hate, resist", you could break your line after "hate" and either put "resist" on a line of its own, or put it before "not me".
Thanks for posting
You have good words here. I like the duality of trauma/peace and "exhaling violence". If you wanted to give it a little more impact, it's as simple as changing your punctuation and line lengths a bit -- for example, a comma or even a semi-colon after "longing", and perhaps instead of a comma between "hate, resist", you could break your line after "hate" and either put "resist" on a line of its own, or put it before "not me".
Thanks for posting
It could be worse