06-08-2011, 08:27 PM
Thank you both very much for your comments.
Billy - thanks very much for the pointers - I'm starting to realise which words are needed and which ones aren't. Interesting idea regarding splitting the poem in two - I might play around with that this weekend. Thanks!
Todd - I agree about the break on "be" - it would be much nicer to break that line with "grey", thanks! As for the reason the narrator smokes in this way - the idea that there should be a sense of hope in the mornings - is not something that had occurred to me. For me, the narrator has no hope, regardless of the colour of the room in the morning.
I also love your suggestion of:
"No bed to rise from
no tomorrow
no longer any grey morning"
Thank you both so much.
Billy - thanks very much for the pointers - I'm starting to realise which words are needed and which ones aren't. Interesting idea regarding splitting the poem in two - I might play around with that this weekend. Thanks!
Todd - I agree about the break on "be" - it would be much nicer to break that line with "grey", thanks! As for the reason the narrator smokes in this way - the idea that there should be a sense of hope in the mornings - is not something that had occurred to me. For me, the narrator has no hope, regardless of the colour of the room in the morning.
I also love your suggestion of:
"No bed to rise from
no tomorrow
no longer any grey morning"
Thank you both so much.