Today I Climbed A Mountain

[billy]

[Note - written in the winter of 2009. Some minor edits since then. Awaiting honest serious critique.]


Today I climbed a mountain.
I put on my boots,
red, dead, leather boots, and
looked up at the hulking mass,
from beyond the ancient church,
writhing with flora,
living earth. for me this line needs to be more, would 'on a' help the flow, or something else along the same line as it is it feels disjointed.

I scaled the cusp,
scrambling amongst the livestock,
falling several times
in mires of black mud.

Circling the summit, this line feels odd for me as you haven't yet attain the height of the summit yet
spiralling skywards,
on hard rock and grass,
I looked down at the villages surrounding.
Like moats of mortar and brick,
the villages seemed frozen. i really like this line,
Enveloped with scorn, I turned my head away.

Reaching the climax
of this trembling mountain, trembling feels a little off for me
I stood proud on an ancient cairn.
Then, the wind spoke to me, what did it say,
slapped me,
whipped me.
Face red with broken skin,
and hair snapping, icy strands.

As if esoteric royalty screamed at me,
the wind tossed me again. tossed feels sexual (could just be me though
What words are these?
What language?

I ran backwards, that would be a dangerous thing to do on a mountain.would retraced or traced my steps back work better
south,
towards the hillocks and vales,
terrified of the ghosts of the mountain,
urging me, I thought, to descend.

And then, before me, is 'and then' needed?
in a sunken lay,
a megalith,
pouting at the sky, pout seems too feminine for a megalith
penetrating the earth
stopped me running.
Commanded my inertia, good line
demanded silence and respect.

Upon it, scrawled in some ancient hieroglyph,
"Tef Roihi", read like dark magic,
and I remain motionless. remain or remained?

first off, great to see you post here.

some good use of poetic device. for me it could do wit tightening up a little.
lines such as;
terrified of the ghosts of the mountain,

would from me read better as;
terrified of mountain ghosts,
as it gets rid of two unneeded words,
i think if you went through the poem and got rid of all the small words which don't add it would be a lot tighter.

lot's to like about the poem. the atmosphere of it. the exhilaration the 1st person is feeling. for me it's a good solid base of a poem to work from. jmo.