06-06-2011, 06:58 PM
"Commanded my inertia,
demanded silence and respect." -- They do indeed. This is a perfect description of the feeling I get when I'm confronted by some ancient monument, regardless of its state of repair.
I really like the assonance of "red, dead leather" (though I think you could actually do without "boots" on that line), and "mass" followed by "church" is clever wordplay. I notice that you do use a lot of -ings -- these can become repetitive very quickly, regardless of the root word. In S2, for example, you could just as easily have "scrambled amongst the livestock". (If you wanted to increase your alliteration, you could also use "stumbled several times" instead of "falling".)
"Enveloped with scorn" is an odd phrase. Perhaps "enveloped by" or "infused with"?
I don't think you need to say "hard rock". Hard is pretty much implied.
You control the rhythm of the poem well with your sounds and line breaks. There is a lot of detail here and the picture is very clear. I enjoyed reading it, thank you.
demanded silence and respect." -- They do indeed. This is a perfect description of the feeling I get when I'm confronted by some ancient monument, regardless of its state of repair.
I really like the assonance of "red, dead leather" (though I think you could actually do without "boots" on that line), and "mass" followed by "church" is clever wordplay. I notice that you do use a lot of -ings -- these can become repetitive very quickly, regardless of the root word. In S2, for example, you could just as easily have "scrambled amongst the livestock". (If you wanted to increase your alliteration, you could also use "stumbled several times" instead of "falling".)
"Enveloped with scorn" is an odd phrase. Perhaps "enveloped by" or "infused with"?
I don't think you need to say "hard rock". Hard is pretty much implied.
You control the rhythm of the poem well with your sounds and line breaks. There is a lot of detail here and the picture is very clear. I enjoyed reading it, thank you.
It could be worse