Villanelle contest

[billy]

Maid in Australia

Smothered in Vegemite spread
I am a sandwich for two
Dinkum from toenails to head

Here in your rusty tin shed
Lay me in hay for a screw
Smothered in Vegemite spread

Prove you’re a real thoroughbred i know it has the proper sil count it just feels a little clunky to me
Drown me in dodgy home brew
Dinkum from toenails to head

If I don’t tickle you red
Dream I’m a small kangaroo
Smothered in Vegemite spread

Down in the dusty creek bed
Crickets are crooning “True Blue”
Dinkum from toenails to head

One day soon, when we are wed feels a little forced
I’ll bring my mum to bed too
Smothered in Vegemite spread
Dinkum from toenails to head

i really enjoyed the piece and like that it uses modern syntax. the rhyme is perfect. the two lines used in the refrain are light though for me the reversal of the head to toe in order to negate using a cliché, loses a little in the plural of toenail.
would toenail to head flow easier?


i love the title which works well as part of the poem. lots of poetic devices at use for me it's a nifty little tongue in cheeker, (not literally, though it could be ) that if you know what Vegemite is.
evrything is said is just my take and jmo on the poem.

thanks for a light hearted look at an Aussie romp.
ps i did like how mum was also offered in the last verse.