Grief

[billy]

The browning shrubs around the lonely grave,
the days we spent on softer seeming grass,
the former now is all I have to save, 'now' feels forced and a little yoda
love through the walls of my heart cannot pass. this one's archaic syntax also.

We kept no pictures, the albums are bare,
a need to capture redundant, we thought.
o how I yearn to hold but one lost hair, the but is to forced
a gift before you left the mortal port.

No loss of mine will trump the loss of you,
the mate long vanished into a lone death;
an age ago our passion fiercely grew, cliché
but since has drained like your departing breath. excellent verse

The face I touched is now a dying dream.
The last sound you made I hear as a scream.

really really great form wise jack.

content wise it;s just great; no really really the last couplet reads well but but doesn't grab me. the 3rd verse is my fave,

i really enjoyed it despite such feedback as i gave, i think you have the form down (though keep checking for di da, di da, di da, it feels like is some places you have a double long foot, ie;
di da, di da, da di, di da.

much better than i could do jack,

it has a haunting quality of loss about it, which i think could be made more so if a few of the three letter words were exchanged for one with more than one syllable

thanks for the read. and very well done. jmo